My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
