I faked an abortion last night.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
