I wanna bring you to show and tell
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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