I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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