I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
