There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it