i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!