They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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