nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
