My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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