you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
