Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
