I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
