i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
