All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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