I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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