maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
