Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
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she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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