we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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