i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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