My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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