there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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