I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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