sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
