At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
