The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
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i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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