omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
