I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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