Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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