remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
