I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
