he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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