Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
