i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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