Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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