R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
