WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
