i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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