Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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