its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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