so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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