I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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