my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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