he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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