Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
