The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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