I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
