She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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