how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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