the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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