in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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