This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
