Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
