I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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