TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
