...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
