I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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