onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
