He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
